Responses to film

From: K.A.G.Faulkner (kagf2@kent.ac.uk)
Sent: 26 March 2014 19:04:22
To: naomi webb (nommi4628@hotmail.com)
Hey Naomi

Thank you so much for sending the link to your film I really enjoyed it, it was emotional but more potently I thought you really captured how you felt in the world, now, through running. The idea that you are flowing with the world as you travel really resonated, I liked the movement. Also, the idea that the burn and the bitterness – which is part of the running experience – is needed in order to feel and to feel part of human experience.

Nice work..
Kerry X

From: H.Peeks (hp216@kent.ac.uk)
Sent: 25 March 2014 20:12:28
To: naomi webb (nommi4628@hotmail.com)
​Hi Naomi,
just watched it – loved the film – what wonderful and courageous people you and your mum are – definitely an A from Mike – guaranteed. The only think i didn’t catch was what you said right at the beginning which sounded like CBT? i didn’t understand what that was.

I will be in class tomorrow as Daniela will let me escape after i have done my presentation at 11.30 – see you in class.

I left a comment on your youtube
all the best,
Helen
ps. I really felt for both you and your mum over the challenges you both faced and probably still do.

FACEBOOK COMMENTS

Colin: Gasp! I will watch it when i get in front of a computer
22 March 20:08

wow naomi!! it’s so powerful! its great

what do you think about it?
22 March 22:01
Me: I actually really like it. I was really worried about how it would come across but as long as it seems like I am representing myself well in it I am happy ( its just imp. to me that I am doing the topic justice)

Colin: Well you certainly did do it justice! I’m also super impressed with the editing! Like REALLY impressed!

Gina: Wow its so raw and honest I love it

CBT counsellor.

Hi Naomi,

Just watched your lovely film. It’s really good to know you found it helpful. Keep up the hard work (and running!).

All the best.

Many thanks,

Mary Liptrot
CBT Therapist

Essay

    The current anthropology of mental health.

Inglehart’s (1997, p.31) discussion of how freedom of expression and political participation are becoming increasingly important, influencing the creation of this film to elaborate on my experience of mental health. Film is as Aina (2004) identifies “ [an]…important source of public information on mental health issues,”, a force of representation as seen in documentaries such as The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive (2009, BBC) which has helped to spotlight mental health issues. Ahmed and Shore (2005) further indicate how anthropology needs to relate to contemporary problems and this implies the importance of addressing the impact of mental illness on people in contemporary society. This can be seen in organisations such as SAVE ( Suicide Awareness Voices of Education) in which the programme of LEADS, focusing on educating grades 9-12 about depression, how to seek help and recognise symptoms. Furthermore ADAP, Adolescent Depression Awareness Programme, advises and raises awareness about what depression is and how it can be reduced both in others and yourself. In schools this awareness makes recognition of depression easier, and therefore easier to address. As there is a need to represent and make anthropology more relatable, shown in the invention of auto-ethnography and looking inwards, this film acts as an autoethnography ( Reed-Danahay, 1997) . By addressing my experiences and creating a context of self, a sense of personal space, anthropology is being redefined not as the study of the other, but of the anthropologist’s own world; “ a means of engagement” ( Moore, 2011, p.11).

Feld (2003) describes acoustemology, the use of sound to create a sense of space , a knowledge and awareness that is essential to understand contemporary anthropology, which can be applied to this filmmaking process, in creating a personal and wider awareness of mental health. Ratcliffe ( 2012) identifies this need for awareness and support particularly concerning students, elaborating upon the impact of economic and social systems on depressive behaviours, this article identifies the need to create awareness concerning the need to represent mental health accurately and how mental health is constructed within different societies. Gentleman (2014) identifies how there is a current crisis in how mental health is addressed and this film, is in part, a way of broaching the gap between knowledge and help for mental health patients.

    A personal development.

The work of Jean Rouch, the involvement of anthropologists in filmmaking and performing on the screen, created a new anthropological space. The intimacy of this film, the potential intimacy of ethnography reflecting life experience is something that I wanted to mimic, as Taylor identifies “ reflecting on one’s life is an integral part of living it” ( MacDougall, 1998, p.5). I chose this topic, my experience of depression, because I felt it was both relevant to current social issues, and that in relation to Jean Rouch, is illustrative of society and contemporary issues. As seen in Chronique d-un ete (1961), in the discussions of race at the lunch table, I aimed to mimic this honest, unscripted discussion of everyday discussions concerning contemporary topics. This film arguably represents an honest account of everyday life for someone with depression, the art of the film illustrating and developing anthropology of mental illness as shown by Aina(2004) in Africa. As Moore discusses the “art of living” the abstract nature of life, the overlapping processes of thought and being in the world are important aspects that I wanted to mimic, getting the impression of my thoughts interacting with my everyday behaviour of running. Brown and Keller (1979, p.30) further identify how “ behind everything we say are the feelings we have about ourselves”, the mental makes up our reality and so to recreate this sense of mental rationality and experience I needed to involve myself completely, placing my thoughts within the social context of everyday, reducing the boundaries of subject-object ( Hart and Grimshaw, 1996). To challenge and resolve my experience of depression and suicide, I needed to address the issues itself and place it in a space that offered reflexivity ( Otto, 2013). It is a documentary of everyday life from one viewpoint, a perspective that offers insight into human life that is not distinct or culturally separate but relatable and adds to contemporary discourses. Sontag(1977, p.11) describes the enduring nature of film and photography, which arguably makes the impact of the visual upon anthropology, and society in general, all the more important, an engagement of self with the rest of human sociality;“ After the event has ended, the picture will still exist”. The film is both iconic and indexical which adds to the impact of the footage (Pinney, 1992); indexical as it represents the space I am within now, the current sociality, and iconic, as for me this footage is representative of me as I intend to be from now on, a documentation of my experience and depression, that is significant and, in a personal sense, timeless. The narrative account focuses on the movement from the past to my present reality, and it is this relativity of past and present that secures my experiences’ place in time and the development and adaptation of myself “ an ethnographic past can become the most vivid part of our present existence” ( Fabian, 1983, p.93). This narration, describing a development can be seen in the Gregory Giorgio track by Daft Punk (2013), in which the use of narration elaborates on Giorgio’s career journey. Narrative within the film will express my development as an individual from this point forward and describe the personal journey I have undergone in order to reach the space of reflexivity that I am within now.

    Techniques used within filmmaking.

Music and narrative play an integral role in the topic, not to carry the film but to help create a sense of place and presence; awareness ( Feld, 2003). As Brown and Keller support (1979, p.9) “ communication is symbolic interaction” , the use of voice and particular songs is a form of narrative, a dialogic journey. This dialogue creates a connection between the meaning of the footage to the audience. As Bassett (1996) discusses the use of EFM to get in touch with the foetus, this application of sound as a communicatory device can be interpreted in my film as a way of connecting illnesses with the audience, getting in touch with sensitive topics.; music offers insight to personal experience and develops the idea of my person in both psychological and physical sense of the audience’ acting as paint on a canvas. This is further explained using Kunreutuer(2006, p.329) “ voice I heard as a sign of emotional directness, authenticity and immediacy”. The voice is a form of empowerment and consciousness, not only of the narrator but of those who listen. Beyonce’s (2013) album track about feminism, featuring Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie , expresses how voice is an immediate form of protest, directly reaching the ear and the individual. This track elaborates on the empowering nature of voice, an empowerment that has been expressed in my film as a way of addressing a very sensitive and personal topic in order to create awareness in the audience.

The power that lies within the act of listening is explained using Schwartz (2003, p.487) “the ear is a particularly vulnerable organ of perception”; the ear a way of connecting deeper than sight. Though Bloch (2008, p.595) states that sight offers truth, as words could be lies, within this project sight would arguably create an uncomfortableness and visually distract the audience from the film’s message as using speech directs the film, and as depression is a mental reality, conveys this sense of mental exploration of the self, an internal articulation of problems “ Language enables humans to lie”; the voice inside my head. Therefore voice and music “ resonate” ( Wikan, 1992) deeper than footage of me speaking about mental illness; arguably an innovative way of communicating, however the limitations of voice “ language as a form of representation as at technology for describing and knowing the world, has its limitations” ( Moore, 2011, p.117), therefore I have involved montage to create a sense of what a personal experience of depression entails, from my viewpoint, the film is filmed in a style that directs the camera from my eye-line.

Montage does not directly drive the eye to an event, but I want the impression that footage is taken from my perspective, through an eye-line perspective and the use of voice over the footage to elaborate on the importance of an individual focal point; “ Reality is summed up in an army of casual fragments – an endlessly alluring, poignantly reductive way of dealing with the world” (Sontag, 1977, p.80). Montage creates a greater sense of reality, a multi-faceted dimension, moments of time experienced and involving. The film is a mix of a filmed present and narration, a colportage of “ moments of the past and the different…glued onto the experiences of the present” ( Seremetakis, 1993, p.7). The aim of the footage is to create a sense of self, a persons’ own experience of mental illness, using narrative to enhance the sense of mental reality and the development of a person over time. The layering of montage implies passage of time, offering different settings and insights. Whilst voice connects past to present, as sense of historicity of the self, elaborates on depression as a condition and the way it can be resolved in the ‘now’.

    Issues of filming.

The sensitivity of the topic makes it difficult to represent, both in the way I present my own experience and the fear of being judged, as well as concerning crossing the boundary between explanatory and the film becoming self-obsessed. Therefore to make sure the film is valid throughout, I focused heavily on using participant involvement, as Otto (2007) demonstrates in his film ‘Ngat is dead’, in which the involvement of the participants creates a more rounded, thicker description of the study. Involving audience participation means that the film can be critically analysed within production, which I repeatedly did; showing film to friends, family, my mother who was involved in the filming and by watching the film critically myself.

As Moore (1993, p.120) discusses the critique of being representative in the narrative voice “ [obscuring] authentic representation of ethnographic explanation”. The autoethnographic nature of the film arguably makes this film representative of my experience, the issue being just how valid I can make it, without getting lost in my involvement.

Sontag (1977, p.27 )“ The knowledge gained through still photographs will always be some kind of sentimentalism”, though Sontag is discussing photography this can still be applied to the film, as a need to make it evocative yet still relevant. The film aims to explore mental illness and represent a snapshot of what this experience entails, the autoethnographic account that offers truth, insight and experience of mental illness.
Film is way of identifying with contemporary problems, especially the issue of mental illness, therefore although discuss potentially uncomfortable topics, the sensitive nature makes the creation of the film about depression and suicide all the more important. The reflexive nature of voice and narration, a private discussion is significant not only for the audience but furthermore for my own development and battle with mental illness. This film is a process of healing and personal development; private efficacy.

    Bibliography.

Aina, O.F., 2004. Mental illness and cultural issues in West African films : Implications for orthodox psychiatric practice. Medical humanities, 30 , 23-26.
Bassett, K., 1996. Anthropology, clinical pathology and the electronic foetal monitor : lessons from the heart. Social Sciences Medical 42 (2), 281-292.
Beyonce, 2013. Beyonce. Columbia.
Bloch, M., 2008. Truth and sight : generalizing without universalizing. Journal of Royal Anthropological Institute.
Briggs, H., 2013. Depression :’Second biggest cause of disability’ in the world. Last accessed : 25/03/2013. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24818048
Brown, C.T., and Keller, P.W., 1979. Monologue to dialogue : an exploration of interpersonal communication. Prentice – Hall.
Daft Punk, 2013. Random Access Memories. Columbia.
Drury, I., 2014. British children facing ‘toxic’ stress: UK youngsters among the unhappiest in the world due to bullying, depression and online porn, says charity. Last accessed 25/03/2014. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2542400/Children-facing-toxic-stress-UK-young-people-unhappiest-world-bullying-depression-online-porn.html#ixzz2wxgXmwGn
http://www.nhs.uk/news/2013/09September/Pages/Treatment-of-child-depression-needs-improving.aspx
Fabian, J., 1983. Time and the other : how anthropology makes its object. Columbia: University of Columbia Press. pp.74-104.
Feld, S. 2003. A Rainforest Acoustemology. In : Bull, M., and Back, L., (eds). The Auditory Culture Reader .Oxford : Berg.
Gentleman, A., 2014. Inside the UK’s mental health crisis : ‘It is my view that people will die’. Last accessed : 25/03/2014. http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/21/inside-uk-mental-health-crisis-people-will-die
Hart, K., and Grimshaw, A., 1996. The rise and fall of scientific ethnography. In : Ahmed, A., and Shore, C., The future of anthropology : it’s relevance to the contemporary world. . Athlone Press. pp.46-64.
Hastrup, K., 1992. ‘Anthropological visions: some notes on visual and textual authority’. In: P Crawford, P., and Turton, D. (eds) Film As Ethnography, Manchester UP. pp.8-­‐25
Inglehart, R., 1997. Modernization and postmodernization : cultural, economic, and political change in 43 societies. Princeton, N.J. ; Princeton University Press
Kunreuther, L., 2006. Technologies of the Voice : FM Radio, Telephone, and the Nepali Diaspora in Kathmandu. Cultural Anthropology, 21 (3), pp. 323-353.
MacDougall,D., 1998. Transcultural Cinema. Princeton University Press.
Moore, H.L., 2011. Still Life: Hopes, Desires and Satisfactions. London : Polity Press.
NHS choices, 2013. Awareness for mental wellbeing. Last accessed : 25/03/2014. http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mindfulness.aspx
Otto, T., Nielsen, C., and Dalsgaard, S., 2007. Ngat is Dead – Studying Mortuary Traditions. Denmark.
Otto, T., 2013. Ethnographic Film as Exchange, The Asia Pacific Journal of Anthropology, 14 (2), pp.195-205.
Pinney, C., 1992. ‘The parallel histories of anthropology and photography’ In: Edwardes, E. (ed). Anthropology and Photography: 1860-­‐1920,Yale UP.
Ratcliffe, R., 2012.Who helps students with mental health problems? Last accessed : 25/03/2014. http://www.theguardian.com/education/mortarboard/2012/apr/05/who-helps-students-with-mental-health-problems
Reed-Danahay, D., 1997. Autoethnography : Rewriting the self and the social. Oxford: Berg.
Rouch, J., 1961. Chronique d-un ete. France : Argos – Films.
Schwartz, B.N., 2003. Voices from the Federal Theatre. Madison : University of Wisconsin Press.
Seremetakis, C.N., 1973. The memory of the senses: Historical Perception, Commensal Exchange and Modernity. Visual Anthropology Review, 9 (2).
Sontag, S., 1977. On Photography. London : Allen Lane.
Wikan, U., 1992. Beyond the Words : The Power of Resonance. American Anthropologist. 19, pp.460-482.

Creative camera

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The images above are of the class presentation of symbolic/creative cameras, and our first discussions of our project and what taking an image or recording footage ‘means’ to us as individuals and anthropologists.

When making my creative camera I wanted to incorporate reflexive elements. I chose roses because of the rose tinted view of the world we can have, I was going with a type of poetic criticism of photography and the way we view the world.
I used mirror in squares, to give the impression that anthropology has fragmented my original ideas about the world as caused me to view sociality in a less structured, refracted process, reflecting off my own opinions of the world and off of others too. Also it was about looking in whilst looking out. I used images that mean something to me inside the camera, treating it like it is actually inside my own mind and memories which influence how I view the world ; what I think is important, symbolic, relevant to me as an individual ( I used images of Japan, me as a baby, pets, leaves my favourite time of year etc. I used Lucier’s I am sitting in a room speech to show how everything becomes white noise and is absorbed into the space surrounding us as people, whether its other people who absorb, nature, air , landscapes or buildings our thoughts and behaviour are internalised by something or someone else. I have also made a clay ‘person’ in relation to Lucier’s I am sitting in a room speech, with the idea that we are an identity within our own thoughts and perspectives; not a bodily representation but following along the lines of Descartes ‘I think therefore I am’ construct in which the person becomes a person because of their ability to think, which I understand as the ability to interpret the world around us and use these interpretations to create our own beliefs, ideas and identity.
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Class reflections

Watching my film in class I received so much feedback and its actually quite a relief to show everyone. There was the need to address what CBT is, ‘ cognitive behavioral therapy’ which is an important aspect of my recovery. But I am hoping that people , if they do not know what it is, will want to research it further and learn about depression and suicidal behavior on their own after seeing my film.
There was feedback asking for changes to be made slightly with the sound which I will do later and I need to go over my trailer, just to make sure that the sound is fitting where it needs to etc, this will be completed later on today.

Update : 9th April 2014.
I am going to be filming an additional piece this weekend to fit into the film, based on the critiques of my classmates, stating how it would be nice to see more of that relationship with my Mum. Therefore I will be making a two minute film about my Mum and I and work towards adding that little bit extra to my project.

Reflexivity

So I have completed my project now and am letting other people watch it so I thought I would take the opportunity to write a little bit about the film, why I left certain things in, why I don’t appear until the end of the film etc.

 I decided not to appear until the end of the film because I did not want the message to necessarily be focused only on me ; instead I wanted it to focus on my experience of depression but not simply me as an individual. I liked the fact that I was anonymous as I think that when you put a face to the act sometimes it can make it very awkward for the viewer, particularly when it concerns sensitive topics. I felt this especially with Chronique d’un ete, when one of the women is discussing her breakdown and although it is very interesting to watch, simultaneously it can be very uncomfortable to view because it is so personal.

I left in parts such as my boyfriend, Alex, telling me about which part  he was supposed to zoom in, because I wanted the viewer to experience how the film was created, the processes that I undertook to get the shots I wanted, and also use the zoom of the camera to demonstrate on the beginning of the film, introducing me as a character before I start to speak over the footage.

I used footage concerning my Mum speaking about my depression because I wanted to give the impression of the wider impact of depression on families and community, not simply something that affects you mentally, but which affects all the relationships that you had at the time of the illness and the relationships afterwards.

I used the song Just Like Honey by Jesus and Mary Chain at the end of the film, as it has always been an uplifting song, something that I associate with the end of Lost in Translation one of my favourite films, which sums up how we all make an impact on someone once and can build relationships in a short time that have a long term impact even if we never meet them again; I could only know you for the time that it takes you to watch my film, but I like to think it will have a lasting impact on you. This is what that song sums up for me. This is also why I chose to use the kanji ichigoichie – which means one chance, one meet, roughly translated in Japanese. I got this as a tattoo towards the end of my time in Japan, as its something that I live by; trying to make the most out of every meeting, every chance that comes my way.

 

 

Screenshots

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The first of these shots is a side view of me running, which emphasises the transformative aspect of this film upon myself and the idea of movement; a passage that I have undertaken in both the making and viewing of this film. Furthermore the side shot develops a sense of distance between myself the narrator and me the image on screen, allowing for reflexivity.

The second shot is of the beginning of the film, one of the only times that I appear on camera during the film, in a headshot. I used this image before narration because I wanted the audience to have an idea of the person talking about depression, without making the film uncomfortable or too much like ‘Talking Heads’.

The third shot is of a gopro shot that I used when driving back from Canterbury. I used a camcorder for the other shots but used a gopro on my head, emphasising that the film is being recorded from my perspective, both in a psychological and a physical sense. I liked the metaphor of it, the hitting of the cat’s eyes in the road acting as a kind of tempo, heartbeat, that is an undercurrent in the film.

The fourth screenshot is of the opening discussion with my Mum, and I wanted to show the difference between light and dark between these two screenshots to develop the concept of transition and passage throughout the film; moving from a dark space of difficulty and depression to one of revitalization and personal development. Furthermore this shot is a view of the youtube.com page that I uploaded my film to, partly to demonstrate the technical presentation of the film.

Field Diary

Field diary .

22/01/ 2014.

This is the first day of lectures and I am already finding it a really creative experience, I flitter between a variety of ideas for my final project.  As Henrietta Moore states in still life, that culture is an “ art of living” I want to apply this to my project; hopefully expressing  what life is in all its failures and complexities.

I was inspired by the following link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw6EsAQDnRw

Because of the different angle of filming, from a perspective that is arguably not available to us, furthermore I like the role of music in film, perhaps adding onto Feld’s concept of soundscapes, sound creating the environment we life within and enable us to participate with the world around us.

On the other hand, I am struck by th profundity of having a voice over and having disconnected images creating a film that really strikes you and has an impact. The use of Charlie Chaplin’s speech over images that are striking, show aspects of the human condition that are difficult to watch in their trueness. It’s the link of music, the build of the song that creates purposeand movement in the film and I want to incorporate this is my final project, though I think I will go with classical pieces, such as Chopin whose music has guided me when I have needed it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQZ5Hmkkacw

I want my visual anthropology and project to communicate the personal aspect of antrhology, invite viewers into my world and let them explore what I feel defines me as demonstrated via visual apparatus.

Furthermore, inspired by the work of don mccullin , the act of memory, and photos being a snapshot in history is really striking; I always wonder when I realised what life was, the movemnt between two pillars ( heidigger) of birth and death but after the deaths of my grandparents I have come to realise that my time is finite and I will be a memory to someone, when I am no longer here. I will film to preserve my memory.

This picture was striking because it was at the collection of what this person was, the things that they have that define him in his death, he has no name, but he is an image, and a collection of things, representations.

28/01/2014

I have been a bit worried that my topic will be thought to be narcissistic. That is not my aim but I can understand why people may dislike my topic because it seems very self-involved. Went out with the girls last night and thought this is not completely relevant, I realised how important it was to embrace everything now and not worry, this is something that I had to learn during the last few years when I was diagnosed. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and not care about expressing myself in some very dubious dance moves.

In relation to my topic, this week I started to film with the GoPro when running. It is really useful I managed to rent one for a week for £60 approx. and I am using it to film myself when running. I want to create a montage effect, slicing together a weeks’ worth of runs, so I am trying to get a range of times and places ; Colchester, the 5 mile route I do by the University, my home in Suffolk perhaps. I want to get the effect of time passing me by and my contemplation. I do worry about the footage being shaky but then again I can’t help this, if I wanted it to be a straight shot with little to no movement I would have to film from a stationary object like a car and that is not the aim of the footage. I want it to be real, not pretence or fabricated. There are issues with the rain blocking the lens, I do not mind involving one of these images but I want the majority to be clear shots.

I am hoping to overlap these images with music and my own recordings of my mum, myself and my CBT sessions. In order to do this I need to complete ethics forms; even though I am not making my participants do anything untoward, I still need to do this as a requirement of the course.

This overlapping has really interested, particularly the concept of mixing in music. When listening to Daft Punk Giovanni Giorgio track, I liked the fact that the song is both a montage, and a beat; a track with music and rhythm but it’s also an interview.

I am hoping to imitate this when editing. However I want to try and mix the sound of a pop song and that of classical as both have an important relation to me. Classical music is something that I use to focus, relax and take away my anxiety, it is also inspiring however I use pop music to inspire me when running, to direct and drive my body. When using this music over my running clips I want to convey the movement of my body, my footsteps with the beat and the journey that I go through using the music. This sense of overlap also links to my favourite YouTube video of Charlie Chaplin’s speech over a classical piece.

I have been considering some pieces on the piano of Earl Wild, Fantastistucke a clarinet piece played by my mother, Daft Punk mixes and Jesus and Mary Chain; all the songs have a symbolism that makes them relevant to a discussion of my depression. Earl Wild’s piano music is uplifting and piano music has always been part of my life – my grandmother played, my mother, myself. Fantastistuke was my favourite piece when I was studying the clarinet, it has these moments of quietude that lead to a crescendo and I feel like this describes life – life is full of those moments, the cups of tea and hours driving to and from  places which don’t ‘meaning’ anything but by performing these small roles you are becoming the individual you are today, reading this. Daft Punk as this is mainly what I listen to when running and Jesus and Mary Chain “ Just like honey” , this is a song at the end of one of my favourite films; one of the moments I learnt that our experiences with others are fleeting and therefore we should make the most out of every encounter. This is also inspired my tattoo; ichigo ichie.

I found this link to a site with pictures of an elderly couple; this sense of continuity in self and the changing world around us is something that I want to relfect in my piece.

http://www.caninotv.com/be-elderly-couple-took-photo-every-season-nothing-prepare-last-one/?fb_action_ids=10152104101493819&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B1454500718102816%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.likes%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

30/01/2014

Started to film my project and record. There are some issues in the movement of the gopro but I do not think I can go around this, I need to film and I shall have to incorporate and acknowledgement this movement and the way that it can reflect parts of the footage in a beneficial way. I will try and state the shift of the body as making a natural performative piece. The gopro is useful but when it rains filming becomes incredibly difficult so I have had to allow for this and try and plan filming times around the weather.

I am considering adding other shots to my piece, like acoustemology ( feld) I want to elaborate on the space and make the audience feel like they are participating and within my piece, therefore I want to shots to show not only the individual but the background. I have been considering the work of landscape photographers in this, making sure I have foreground shots of plants, looking at the textures within the image, those of water, leaves, the atmosphere. I think texturing my film will make it appeal to the audience and be involving. Today I intend to record my speech, testing volume level and the syncopation of my voice and how this will add to the film and test the speech’s relevance.

Narratives from the Crib ed Katherine Nelson.                              Harvard University Press 1989

Chapter 2 Monologue  as Narrative Recreation of the World. J. Bruner and J. Lucariello p. 78-97

04/02/2014

Yesterday I was inspired  when walking through the park; I saw birds flying around me and I was inspired by their shadowy movements on the ground in front of me. Today I intend on filming this hopefully, probably around 9am so I can get the full range of movement as they flock around the park eating the leftovers that kids have left on the way to school. I would like to incorporate these images into my film as part of the uplifting and inspirational aspect of the film. I want to convey that fact that even if I suffer from depression I am still inspired by things everyday, tiny things such as tea, an image, humming, the shadows formed by wings. All of it gives me a sense of being in the world and wanting to continue to be in the world and that is an essential part of my recovery.

Furthermore today I am going to start trying to edit film, a practice film, to see how well I can convey a sense of the person I am feeling and conveying a mood, from my shots.  I will later upload this film to this blog. I want to use the footage of Alex’s grandad Bert talking about meeting his wife, Ettie who now has dementia. I want to mix together music from youtube and try and make the piece both fun and genuine.

10/02/2014

This week I will starting to edit and segment my footage together. I have already started to mark which parts of the clip I want to use and I will later begin putting this all together. Though I have discovered that I need some more footage that is not me talking or running,  I want to film birds as that is something I find very peaceful and I think it would help metaphorically back up my film’s message of being about moving forwards and being part of the here and now : present.

I will have to film this tomorrow as the footage I thought I had already done has been lost. So I will get up early tomorrow morning and go down to the local park with a load of bread in the hopes that I can get some good shots. That or this weekend I will have to try and go to bird watching areas in Suffolk to film relevant footage. I am also trying to find some other music pieces to use. I still want to use Schubert’s Fantasiestucke with Mum playing the clarinet, but it depends if it fits with the rest of the footage that I have.

12/02/2014

Tried to film birds today but a dog stole the bread I was using to lure them towards me. I also am rethinking this concept, I want it to be more personal, especially after watching part of the Moon Inside You, I want to involve myself more so I want to bring in some of my day to day coping mechanisms, drinking tea and doing my makeup, tiny things that are insignificant to an outside observer but play a vital role in how I go about my day. Also my pill taking in the morning, therefore tomorrow I am going to film those bits. I handed back the camcorder and want to try and use my digital camera to see the difference in filming and whether it adds more detail in close-up shots.

14/02/2014

I began to edit film today, there was such a lot of footage that I had nearly 4 hours that I have managed to cut down to 30 minutes and next week I will begin to edit it to 10 minutes and order the scenes. After watching The Moon Inside You, I have decided to arrange the scenes in a different way. I think I will begin the film with a black screen with the title and atmos, for a few seconds , which I will probably record at Alex’s house with noises of the dog and his Mum and then enter my audio, me talking about my depression before  then beginning the segment with  the shots of me taking my pills in the morning and then doing my makeup. I want to give a sense of everyday life and my routine then breaking this up with a shot of me running, the sideways one with me wearing purple. I aim to use this shot for a minute in all, with an audio that describes how it feels when I am running and the initial impact of it on my life. Then I want to then fade out of this scene and link to the scene of Mum and I walking. With the audio for this I aim to use the audio of the film over the top to enhance the volume quality as unfortunately the recording that I took earlier was not loud enough. That or I will conduct research as to what software I can download that will enhance the audio.

18/02/2014

I am currently watching Gravity and it is inspiring as to the use of monologue and atmos to create a sense of place in the film and explore the characters and how they are formed through the film. The film does not appear to be driven by action and high pace events, but the discussions that the characters have is particularly important as they carry the story. It is the support the characters lend to creating the scene and developing the storyline that I aim to imitate in my film. Today I am filming some of the shots of me taking pills and doing my makeup on my Panasonic camera as the zoom is very good and I want to work with a different type of recording equipment to perhaps break up the style of filming. I like some of the shots but I will try and recreate this on Friday using Dave’s camcorder to see if I can make it better.

19/02/2014

Today I filmed some of my face and taking pills but I am ridiculously pale so I am going to use Dave’s camera to see whether or not the textures of my skin etc come across better.

I am going to put in some scenes that are the most inspirational, whether the narrative, monologue or storyline.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKgX8NYqIzA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYUfPTeE0DM

I like this scene especially because of the use of the sunset in the background implies the moving forward of the characters, the distance from the shore and distance from the storyline that has gone through the whole of the film.

Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson) and Vincent Vega (John Travolta) are two hitmen out on a job. Right before Jules executes his target, Brett (Frank Whale), he looks him in the eyes and recites a biblical passage. Later on in the film, Jules recites the same passage to Ringo (Tim Roth), who is holding up the diner that they are in.

Jules: There’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. ‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.’ I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I’m thinking, maybe it means you’re the evil man, and I’m the righteous man, and Mr. 9 millimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is, you’re the weak, and I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd.

Before you say it, no, I haven’t picked this speech because Jules Winfield is the epitome of cool. I have chosen it because it is used different times and for different purposes in Pulp Fiction.

In the first instance, Jules is a powerful figure, towering over Brett and delivering vengeance. We think “shit…this guy means business.”

In the second instance, we hear the same speech again, but we are now in the bathroom of Brett’s apartment with one of Brett’s quaking friends. Hearing the speech in this way, and seeing this other guy’s confused reaction to it, makes us re-evaluate what we have heard. Does it even make sense? We were too busy being mesmerized by Jackson’s performance to actually think about what he was saying.

In this third and final instance, Jules has undergone a spiritual transformation and he even re-evaluates the passage. It makes him reflect on the meaning that is missing from his life. So, it isn’t quite the speech itself that is important, but how in represents Jules’ transformation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czb4jn5y94g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HYxqOqkSsY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOoWpTxKJGA

This last scene is the most significant as the touching speech, the use of black and white footage makes the drama and narrative all the more striking. Furthermore the monologue is impassioned and the emotion that is held within the words is something that I wanted to imitate in my film.

25/02/2014

Today I edited my film down to 14minutes and I will do the last 4 minutes tomorrow. Had a bit of trouble with Windows Movie Maker as I needed to make sure that all the files I had used were from the same folder or something as it was marking them as broken.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/popcandy/2013/02/14/heartbeat-valentines-day/1918989/

I am still looking to record my heartbeat but its really difficult to do it. I found this app but the sound is so tinny and fake I don’t want to use it.

I think I will try again tomorrow after my run and see if it is any louder.

Otherwise I am considering using http://www.findsounds.com/ISAPI/search.dll this website to see if the sound is good from there as well. Or I  found this recording on youitube which may be useful too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTtzw6Q8mgI

I really love the idea of hearing heartbeats which was first identified by Bassett with EFM monitors. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcAMpMEtXJU I was looking at fetal dopplers.  I have found afew so I need to figure out where I am going to fit in the audio now and how this will add to the visual element of my film. I just want to be as representative of my topic as I can be without seeming to be seeking sympathy or making it so personal its uncomfortable.

03/03/2014

I tried to use the heartbeat recordings that I download online but they didn’t seem to fit very well and wouldn’t work. I will try and record my own again using a microphone and see if it works, but I need to find software that will allow me to overlap the sounds. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101128142652AAIKqrP

I found this in a forum and am considering using it later on, however a lot of the forums state that I will be unable to overlap the tracks so I will have to find a way to make my audio and filmed footage work together. I have edited down to 10 minutes and am now working on compiling together the promo piece, a two minute segment that will be used as a preview for audiences. I think I will use different shots to the ones that I have used in the film. I got this idea from watching trailers for films; often they use segments of footage that are never in the actual film to create a more rounded impression of what the film is about, and a further sneak preview as seen in Anchorman 2 trailers compared to the film ( they use jokes that are not in the film, so really the trailer is like a mini version of the film).

10/03/3014

I have been  trying to download something that will enable me to overlap sound, but actually it may just to easier to use adobe premiere stuff that we have been practising with in class. So I will be trying to use it later on tonight , a couple of hours working on it hopefully downloading my stuff using dropbox or onedrive and accessing it on the school lab computers that way I can see if my project looks better using that or not.  I am also aiming to get my film viewed by some people this week – Alex, Mum and Colin to get a better feel of how my film will be perceived as I want it to be representative of my journey with depression and interesting. I also need to complete my trailer this week as I just realised that I only have 4 weeks left to finish everything I need to and time is a-ticking.

11/03/2014

I got the girls in the house to watch my film for me yesterday to tell me which bits were boring or didn’t quite fit properly and it was really useful. Shakira suggested I move around some of the narration so that it flowed better and I have to admit it really work so that was adapted, and then she also suggested that I put an image at the end of me as I am now happy, so I think I will take a picture this weekend and do that. I will probably get Alex to take it for me or something or maybe I will involve him in it with me because he is such a huge part of my life. I found it so constructive to get other people to watch my film and tell me their honest thoughts; I am glad that they liked it though and they didn’t feel that it was boring so I feel better about now using Adobe Premiere. I think that Windows Media Player is a bit more old-school but I like it because its not as though I am overdoing the editing process, I am not being obsessed with how it looks stylistically, instead it is about the topic of study, and that is what I think is all the more significant; making sure it is relevant, valid and honest.

17/03/2014

This weekend I took some shots for the end of the film. I wanted to try and embody the feeling of being secure and safe in my own skin, to make the picture intimate without being cheesy. I have shots of me grinning at the camera but I wanted to express the fact I am happy now because I am content and I feel this was best reflected with an image of Molly and I, lying on the floor with the camera above giving a sense of intimacy, being involved in my personal space and time, and the lighting being subdued. I wanted the shot to feel natural, and when I used flash or a lot of lighting I felt like the setting seemed to fake and posed, rather than comfortable and natural.  I was looking at websites too to see what I should put in my credits.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091019185148AAP3WCu

I used this yahoo forum to help me sort out what I should involve.  As I filmed, directed, edited and wrote the film myself I didn’t need to thank anyone, but I need to write up a thank you to my mum and Alex for helping me and supporting me in the process and mention the use of Jesus and Mary Chain music throughout it. I completed my trailer today as well, and decided to use a quote tha I found online about depression, implying how what we see from the outside does not always reflect what is going inside the mind of anyone – there are layers to people, layers that have to be unwrapped to understand your own and others humanity. I like to feel my film is beginning to unpeel my layers and hopefully demonstrate depression, not as something that is all encompassing, but a stage and process in my life that has made me who I am and is in fact something I should be proud of because it has strengthened me.

19/03/2014

I had my last CBT session today. And yet again it struck me that Mary has had such an impact on my life but I will most likely never see her again. It makes me sad and motivates me even more to show my film to others; maybe I too can have a similar effect on someone else’s life. I am going to try and upload my film later on I think.

20/03/2014

When trying to upload my films I had slight problems. To begin with Viemo stated that the film was too small, so I went back to Windows Movei Maker and pressed save as Movie, but doing so meant that it was now too big to upload to vimeo so instead I have used youtube instead, as this means that it is still accessible for everyone, perhaps easier to embed on my blog and still a digital copy of the film. I know that I was meant to use Vimeo but I have encountered problems and have just found it easier doing this. I have also uploaded my trailer which the link is there http://youtu.be/pmPRQcdTMxU
Later on today I will start to get screenshots of the footage, to link into my blog.

Watch my film on the link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu974pdcuUs23/03/2014

Today I launched my first ever blog. This is the link to the site with additional links to sites that are relevant to my film. https://nommi4628.wordpress.com/

Video Project : Running Monologues

Hi, I’m Naomi. I am currently finishing my degree at the University of Kent, studying Social Anthropology with Japanese.

I am 23, have turned into a bit of a fitness freak recently and have focused on an aspect of this for my visual anthropology project.

About 2 and a half years ago I was diagnosed with depression ; I had already completed counselling privately before this and found that this had caused more problems than it had fixed because it has rehashed a lot of buried feelings but I had not had the time or means to come to terms with these things. I was in a pretty disconnected place and felt really isolated not only from other people but myself; I was just going through a daily routine and not really living
I have had a couple of set backs since then, when my medication has stopped working and I have relapsed much to the upset of my Mum and boyfriend, but I have learnt that if I am to live with my depression my solutions have to come from me not from the support of other necessarily.

I think that I will always have depression but it is about managing my condition and getting the most out of life; I don’t want to just be and go through the motions of everyday but I want to experience everything to its fullest.
My film is aimed, not so much just to state my experience, or to generate pity, but to show other people that just one tiny step forward, whether it is putting on makeup or running, or eating better, or going to your doctors in the first place, can make a massive difference in the long term. It is not about seeing change right now, but being able to look back and see that there has been one, even if you haven’t  acknowledged it. From my CBT sessions I have realised that the only way to tackle depression is to be honest and talk about it with other people; I am therefore using this film reflexively to look at my own experience and be able to see my journey and hopefully my next step, as well as displaying that there should not be such stigma, but instead acceptance.
I will attaching my field diary to this blog along with images and links to other sites that may interest viewers.

The issues my film will address is depression and mental illness and about opening the door to creating advocacy that addresses these issues. I am interested in making the film based on my personal experience, a form of reflexivity that is at once linked to current issues in society and about looking back at my own experiences in a positive manner.

Websites that have more information :
http://www.getselfhelp.com
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/?gclid=CJqOyo68qL0CFdShtAodiWoAkA
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/depression.asp
http://www.samaritans.org/?gclid=CL7_1rO8qL0CFQ_HtAodeF8ASw